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did You rise the sun for me? or paint a million stars that i may know Your majesty?


Lord, everything that ive been struggling, crying over, those hurts and pains, i leave it at the cross. Use them for Your glory sake. Renew me, and Lord, pls grant me Your joy. Thankyou for the times when You showed me the hard way that joy can only be found in You alone. i want to cling on and i pray for Your hand to hold me.

who am i? compared to Your glory?

Lord, im Your beloved.

im at workplace again. and im really sick of it...
results outta soon, whatever.

if i could, i will post my last entry again. cause it really speaks alot... of how i feel and how hard im struggling. really very hard. i cry myself to sleep most of the nights. and yes i hate night time. and now, i think i hate day time too...

i have always been ard, but you never seems to bother.

i was just thinking, life's really diff with Jesus? life's harder i guess. and lonlier. i really need a breakthough and i need to move on. i need to move on...

you made me like this and you struck me till im left with nothing. but i want to pray painfully tt you will grow up and you will see, tt you hurt me so deep. and i hope i could say i hate you but i know God will not allow.



I am looking past the shadows
In my mind into the truth and I'm trying to identify
The voices in my head
God, which one is you
Let me feel one more time
What it feels like to feel alive
And break these calluses off of me
One more time

...


yongling want to end all.

okay, back to blogging. and in a way, thinking and wondering out loud.


past weeks have been busy and really tiring. with work, plannings, meetings and alot of stuff to do. and in the midst of all these, im so tired, so hurt by things happening ard and i still feel so broken. yes, broken. with the things i found out, realised, the lies, the promises and expectations not met. and everything boils down to hurts, pains , disappointments and discouragement once again.

guess im really learning to grow up and i really understand what pastor kenny says when he says tt the higher you go in leadership, the lonlier you gets. even with ppl ard, im and i feel lonely. im really downcast and seriously sad these weeks.

in the midst of re-building myself, i get hurt more and more. my relationships with ppl, working with others of diff personalities, coping with home, working at office, walk with God, so so so many other things. and esp my walk with God and relationships with ppl, i think its the worse and i really feel like such a failure lah. even if its others who hurt me, i still try to be good and all, but all i felt is tt i keep trying and trying and trying and trying and trying but no one appreciates and see tt im trying. altho God sees... i really feels like i fail really badly, you know? connecting with ppl and all. im really dead discouraged already. and you know, i really dont want to try anymore. cause i dont dare. most of the times i just feel like a human dart board, ppl just aims at me. and i really realised and found out about the things ppl talks abt me, and how words spread and how impression of me changes in others view?not one, but three or four you know? no, im not going to be defensive anymore, i shall just let God play His part. im REALLY DAMMMMMM sick and tired of all these nonsense, im ready to let go of all my friends and even kor if it comes to a point tt i have to. want all, TAKE IT.





*every scar has a story to tell.
yongling just wants to be loved.

WHERE HAVE ALL THE JOYS AND LOVE WENT TO?

hurts tt YOU can never comprehend and HURTs that you think are nonsense and not necessary.

wah, i blog whole lot and its gone. bummer. anyway, as my memories can take me, read on.

alrights, blog. blog. blog. blogging:

thanks God for today! :

*for His mercy(:
*for being on time for work
*for the working people in the offfice.
*for the opprt to share abt my church&ministy and for the chance to invite tony to church! [pray k? (: ]
*for laughters with my working people during lunch time.
*for kor and his decision abt mummy & all.
*for shern! :D, kor, sam , weisheng. dinner time is so special and precious to me can, when what you do everyday is work and feel so out of touch with them. and the rest in school. appreciate them for dinner (: thankyou kor.
*for movie partner! ah quan. always so encouraging and for his constant smses tt keeps me going too during hard work (:
*for garry! cause he is really nice! he's helping me gather info from poly courses! cause i got no time to go down for open houses, i got work. he nice right?! (:
*for my brother! he's back from army today! and he is so patient waiting to use this laptop lah.
*for sarah, twin. the long lastin g friendship with Christ in the center(:
*for His never ending love.

okay, i need to rest liao. yes a long one, not long post but duration. re-blog and talking to my cg online. its like a online meeting, they keep bombarding me with online msn, haha, quite coo. okay shall pray for them online:

DEAR FATHER IN HEAVEN:

JESS: i pray tt she can finish her work on time Lord. i pray and ask father tt you alone will give her strength theu tonight to finish up her work which is due tmr. i also want to pray tt you will cont to keep her safe in your arms, love her Lord.

GARRY: God, i give thanks for him! and Lord i pray tt as he tries to draw his engineering stuff, i pray tt you will grant him joy and your peace. assure him tt you are with him and tt you love him God (: father i want to pray for him tt you he will find rest in You. help him thru tonight and the rest of the days ahead o God. (:

FARAND: Father, you see the desires in his heart to be reminded tt there are things which are more impt than homework. and Lord i pray tt in the midst of his tight schedule, busyness, pressure and stress that You will cont to carry him. i pray tt You will also grant him strength thru everyday of school and doing homework, preparing BS and ministry. i pray and give thanks for this new CG leader of mine and tt You alone shall be the reason he do things each day.

IN THE THE NAME OF JESUS I COMMIT THEM AND MYSELF, AMEN.

okay, the rest? on my journal (: cause they are the ones who told me abt their requests. i still love you all ah. alrights, my neck's aching, nights(:

okay, this is going to be short (:

had a wonderful dinner with my life most wonderful people! (: kor, weisheng, sam and shern! enjoyed myself altho ps.shern cause me to change my original plan of going jogging with weisheng. im so glad i went out with shern and the rest :D and glad tt weisheng came too, ahaha, sory* we go jog soon k, pls and promise! (:

working today is boring. cause i got NOTHING to do (: but thank God i laughed abit and talked to the rest alittle. going to learn some tele-marketing! so exciting. more difficulties coming my way but i know it will be really fine. cause God knows i will be(:

alrights, time to sleep now. altho im still SO SO full! aw. and kor makes good nice garlic veg and my fav mushrooms :D thanks!


you cares.

yongling

went jogging/running just now at wdlands stadium with the lights off lah. had a good time. (:

work today was fine. i left a little later then usual and i really have to say sorry to daryl cause he waited for long haha. sorry* had dinner at home yeps. and then went stadium. and i met sam and daniel for lunch today! i was really happy, really. (: thanks!

i got nothing much to blog abt actually so i want to do my usual posts again like these:

DARYL: hey whatsup with those dreams? haha! :D okay, i better keep my mouth shut right. hey, thanks for today anyways (: for all the waiting and laughing and sharing and running and thinking and haha, and all lah. i appreciate loneliness too, i mean in a positive way ya. run on, with God's strength and His company and of course cont to trust for tt revivial. (:

WEISHENG: haha, surprise! anyways, glad tt you went for those overnight prayers and im sure God is really happy. keep on shining for Christ! work hard too, and meet up anyways. haha, cant imagine when you are gg army tho. heh. and remb what you owe me =P (:

GARRY: hey im glad tt we are in the same Cg now. keep growing in the Lord and lets keep this Cg going! (: study hard!

HANNAH: you too, is my bucket of joy&love. *hug.

BERYL: if i could, i would change position with you and be the one going thru all tt. but girl, i know i know its hard and its really hard. stand firm alrights? God has His plan and lets trust and obey k? He has our best at heart. love you dearly.

XIMIN: min ah!!! thanks for tt ten. it kinda save me haha . lols. enjoy school too k? we all have monday blues, but you know God is still the same God on monday. (: jiayou. movies ya?

KUNQUAN: talking abt movies, my movie partner! :D thanks for accompanying me all these while. thru msges and all, really appreciate you :D thanks movie partner! cant express how grateful im lah, having such wonderful MP ard! (:

KOR: study hard ah. well, God is love (:

okay, and more and more and more...

to be continued, i got work tmr and im so dying now. sleepy yongling shall go to bed. (:

because you are a God tt doesnt need to sleep and a God tt watch over me every single moment, even now. i can sleep and wake up in peace and knowing tt im under your everlasting love.


yongling says goodnights.

"christian life are meant to be lonely."

this sentence struck me all the time. well,talking abt loneliness, its true tt christian life are meant to be lonely. the things we go thru and struggle, others can never undertstand and its something we have to walk through it ourselves, no one can walk for us. (: through diff things, i see tt God is working and of course alot of times we dont see and we just complain, its been a learning journey. and indeed, i can say tt its a lonely one.

had dinner with identified today without jo. nothing much to comment abt, just want to let beryl know i'll be praying for her. and for the rest, i hope sch's been okay. i really hope tt meeting up isnt a burden for you all. like really hope so.

im thankful tt im so different from the others and im really glad im. the things i think, say, do, simply everything. altho i got rejected most of the times, i know God has a plan. and times when others make me feel so small and with all the "what? are you sure? no?! yongling?!?! " kinda of looks and reactions, i know God feel for me and He alone shall be my defender. (:

im in this process of refining and learning which everyone will agree tt its not easy. alot of complains still, to God. and somehow i know tt He's listening and perhaps smiling down from heaven saying, "precious child, i have your best at heart. (: " and somehow the image of the father running towards the prodigal son when he finally returns always flash through my mind. i cant deny tt God is good, and i need to instill it in my heart too. He will not bring us to where His grace cannot sustain us. so lets hold on to that of His sufficient grace and endless love and run for the audience of One. and imptly, pray.

yongling needs to be back. and she's learning to love and be loved, to forgive and to be forgived. as much as i hurt others, i get hurt alot too. i need a touch from heaven (:

I stand here before You
In wide opened wonder
Amazed at the glory of You
The power of heaven
Revealing Your purpose in me
As I'm reaching for You

your love has got a hold on me.*

many times, christian walk are not full of ups. and alot of downs times, its hard to praise and thank God. but remb tt worship is not due to cicumstances. *hugs to all. He have been faithful and He has been a friend this lonely season (:

working tmr. pray tt i will be willing and joyful (: cause i want to and God calls me to. meeting sarah for dinner and sam for lunch tmr. and i need to wake up early tmr. bye! encouraged and thankful because the God of the universe cares abt your life. (:

prayer meeting was good (: and i had supper with uncle chan wah, ray and sarah. :D

thru the prayer meeting, when we were praying for family revivial, i just cant stop thanking God and crying out to Him. i had a wonderful family. im so blessed since young. esp when ps kenny was talking abt loving leadership of the husbands, i look back and i think. i praise God on behalf of my mummy, cause my dad has been one of the man that really takes good care of the family and really loves mum for who she is. dad never throws temper at us when he had hard times at work. he has always been so understanding, towards us and of course mummy. and i thank God for a father that loves and keeps loving and cares and keeps caring even it hurts. and i must say tt daddy has been a great role model tt im sure my brothers and i can look up to. and my parents marriage is one tt i can look up to too. my father is a businessman and he has alot of friends, which i called them uncles, tt had extra-affair outside of their marriages. and my dad dont smoke. my brothers and i surely can look up to him. how he treats the family, how he treats mummy. he is a good father. and in my heart, he will always be. im sure if my brothers is reading these, they will agree in unison.

and maybe cause he is such a good father, husband, brother(to his siblings, really!), man and friend, it hurts so much to see him leave...not as a child of God. i question God and i keep asking. but you know what. all i can say is tt, trust and obey for there's no other way. His ways are higher tt we can never understand. so much have been happening in my family the past years tt i keep struggling. and even as im blogging now, my 2nd brother is quarreling with mummy outside my room. *faints. oh pls pray for my mum now k? she got problem walking and even trying to stand up. we dont know whats wrong. probably gg doc with her tmr.

going for dawn prayer later. alrights. should stop blogging right?

oh and i want to thank God for my cg. they have always been ard and i know God placed them for a great purpose. and i want to praise God for aggie. cant really tell y i thank God for her for, but deep inside, somehow i know i need to praise God for her. and indeed, my suffering is another person's ministry. love (:


*the fray- how to save a life

Step one you say we need to talk
He walks you say sit down it’s just a talk
He smiles politely back at you
You stare politely right on through
Some sort of window to your right
As he goes left and you stay right
Between the lines of fear and blame
And you begin to wonder why you came

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

Let him know that you know best
Cause after all you do know best
Try to slip past his defense
Without granting innocence
Lay down a list of what is wrong
The things you’ve told him all along
And pray to God he hears you

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

As he begins to raise his voice
You lower yours and grant him one last choice
Drive until you lose the road
Or break with the ones you’ve followed
He will do one of two things
He will admit to everything
Or he’ll say he’s just not the same
And you’ll begin to wonder why you came

*God, help me to still trust and hold on even when i dont understand and help me to walk on at times when i cant run and soar on high. Lord, be my Father. help to love You wholeheartedly.

because You deserves it all, and i like what joshua's shirt today says: His pain, my gain. He alone is worthy.

and i shall be loved.

okay, this is going to be a short one cause im so sleepy. (:

1stly, thanks all who have been praying for me and pls keep on praying cause i know those prayers will sustain me a long way. work have been okay, today wasnt tt smooth. with all the rain, not saving, re-doing, rushing and ya da ya da. but thanks God i made it thru lah. and thanks to my dear movie partner and daryl for accompanying me thru work today. nah, not physically, but thru msges and mentally (:

2ndly, mummy is so nice can! she cooked dinner for me today and every morning she makes sure i ate breakfast before i leave for work. and today it rained! i was stuck at workplace for at least one hour plus. and finally i reach sunplaza and she was there! cause somehow the rain got heavier and she brought umbrellas for me. (: love. when i start to realise more abt the things ard me, i know im loved. by diff pple.

3rdly, tmr's friday! (: im happy cause sat NO WORK. say yeah! and and there's prayer meeting at night in church :D and and sat have CG outing at shaun's house. BBQqqqqqqqqq! and yes i finally can go nat's house. yippppeeee. anyways, im looking forward to the outing with my new combined CG. double power! :D

fourthly, aw, im starting to miss you all.all your presence! and miss hanging out with you all. lucille, sarah, my super breadman(sam.c, he makes me laugh! :D), cg,sam, kor, beryl, ps shern!, and more more more. okay, i must be happy and i want to be happy.

and lastly, i want to be tt cheerful yongling again! and you shall see.

just came back from work not long ago. met mummy for dinner again, shop at sunplaza for awhile too.

was just wondering about relationships with ppl, not BGR kinda. indeed, people in my life, come and go. people always say treaure and cherish friends and ya da ya da. but i've come to realised tt no matter how hard i treasure and cherish, they still leave. what's the point? okay, stop getting emo here yongling. lalala~ but on a more serious note, im sure tt realisation is true. no examples to state here, but if you know me, you know who(s) i meant. and im sure, good things dont last. they never did.

okay, dont really know what to blog and to talk abt. i simply hate insecurities lah. go away NOW.

...

give me a life man, i miss those times.

okay yongling, time to move on. its a new year. somethings can never be the same after you made your choice. including me i guess.

was looking for another song lyrics when i chanced upon this one:
*blind- lifehouse
I was young but I wasn't naive
I watched helpless
As you turn around to leave
And still I have the pain I have to carry
A past so deep
That even you could not bury if you tried

After all this time
I never thought we'd be here
Never thought we'd be here
When my love for you was blind
But I couldn't make you see it
Couldn't make you see it

That I loved you more
Then you will ever know
And part of me died
When I let you go

I would fall asleep
Only in hopes of dreaming
That everything
Would be like it was before
But nights like this
It seems are slowly fleeting
They disappear as reality is crashing to the floor

After all this time
I never thought we'd be here
Never thought we'd be here
When my love for you was blind
But I couldn't make you see it
Couldn't make you see it

That I loved you more
Then you will ever know
And part of me died
When I let you go

After all this why
Would you ever want to leave
Maybe you could not believe it
That my love for you was blind
But I couldn't make you see it
Couldn't make you see it

nah and this is not the one i want im looking for too, but wells read on:

*everything changes

If you just walked away
What could I really say?
would it matter anyway?
would it change how you feel.

I am the mess you chose
the closet you can not close
The devil in you I suppose
'cause the wounds never heal

But everything changes
if I could turn back the years
If you could learn to forgive me
then I could learn to feel.

Sometimes the things I say
In moments of disarray
Succumbing to the games we play
To make sure that it's real

But everything changes
if I could turn back the years
If you could learn to forgive me
then I could learn to feel

When it's just me and you
Who knows what we could do
If we can just make it through
through this part of the day

But everything changes
if I could turn back the years
If you could learn to forgive me
then I could learn how to feel

Then we could
Stay here together
And we could
Conquer the world

If we could
Say that forever
It's more than just a word
If you just walked away

What could I really say?
It wouldn't matter anyway
It wouldn't change how you feel.

1st day of work today was okay. 1st, i had to figure out where's tt place and thanks to sam for helping too. ha, reach there alittle early and things was pretty okay, the ppl there are quite nice and friendly. i dont know alot of them cause im in a room with the asst manager so like hardly can talk to the others. im helping out with some accounts stuff, man, its ALOT of figures lah, i almost go blind can. im tired now.

but well, working alone mah, so the feeling is quite weird. and most of the time im alone in the room. guess its easier for satan to attack my mind and thoughts while im alone. i really feel so weird and i think i feel really sad. somehow i had this super abandoned feeling and the feelings just sucks, and it kinda spoil my whole day. )): i think maybe its insecurities, and i hate insecurities, really. i used to feel so secure one can )): need to find security in Jesus again, i really need to. if nt i think i will go crazy and depress lah.

): i miss watching movies!and esp with my movie partner! i wan to watch movies! and i want to go out with the ppl* i really want to! ):



insecurities go away NOW. you are never welcome here or even anywhere!

hey people. check out the SFC's blog k?


http://shineforChrist-.blogspot.com
keep it alive and going, just like we are going to keep SFc alive and going.

(: (:

hey people. check out the SFC's blog k?


http://shineforChrist-.blogspot.com
keep it alive and going, just like we are going to keep SFc alive and going.

(: (:

hey people. check out the SFC's blog k?


http://shineforChrist.blogspot.com
keep it alive and going, just like we are going to keep SFc alive and going.

(: (:

ah, so irritating! i need a paper cutter! NOW ))))):


oh okay anyways, had watchnight ytd at lucille's house. it was good, i mean altho its not as WOW as all the previous one, but it was okay. all the bonding and laughing haha. and i reach home at 4plus today. (:

ya, read daryl's blog. amazed at how he can always blog SO long. which is good lah. and thanks for being encouraging tho. and you. hahaa. figure it out yourself.

im starting to feel alittle weird without school while most of you all are schooling. well, its a weird feeling. i mean im starting to miss sch ppl and i heard tt my ex-form teacher leaving for New Zealand. im quite sad, but i really pray tt things will turn out good for her and her family. without school, leave me with plently of free time and it always make me feel guilty not spending it wisely. thank God im going to work soon. i'll be praying.

sometimes i wonder what it really means and what it really takes to lead and serve. and talking abt being real, how would you know whether you are real enough to say tt im being myself, being real. ah, im getting confused by what im trying to put across also, aw, as always. wells. maybe to me, serving requires right motive and a willing and humble heart. maybe it applies to leading too. being humble is important ya. and i think tt the very important thing for me is tt, a leader should be able to care for their "sheeps". im thankful tt WEFC is a church tt i can grow in and the youth ministry are really great and our leaders are committed. as i look up at the older leaders in youth ministry for guidance, i can imagine tt the younger ones will one day also lookup to me too. i want to be a leader that when others look to me for guidance others will see Jesus in me. i want to serve God with of course the most important thing to me, willingness. to me, without willingness, i think we would have a good attitude towards doing God's work and serving His people.

bye to 2006. all the negatives and pain and hurts.
And as another new week of 2007 begins, its time to really live for Him. yes, its easier said than done. struggles along the way, and giving up is always an option but the decision lies with you. i pray tt i will see all of you at the finishing line, including myself.



i know you cares, you always do.

random:

*yongling; wonders of Your love. says:
kunquan!!!!

*yongling; wonders of Your love. says:
ha, im just being me. randomly

Wanna hear you say.... says:
ya

Wanna hear you say.... says:
i know

Wanna hear you say.... says:
its my movie partner u are talking about

Wanna hear you say.... says:
haha

*yongling; wonders of Your love. says:
HAHA

yeps, tt's my MOVIE PARTNER! : D :D he knows me okay! movies movies movies. <333>movies without him are sad )): SAD

okay. i need to go bathe soon and prepare to go out. (: CHURCH AND WATCHNIGHT! love.
and i want to wear yellow! its my HAPPY COLOUR. :D because yellow makes me smile.

wonders of Your love.

7:48 AM

okay, i will prob sleep late tonight. need to plan for this year and to reflect on certain things and on 2006. and i writting some cards too.

JPM was great today. prayed with brother eujin and timo. they have been great ppl to hang on with and sometimes even to disagree with. i thank God for them and for the opportunity to serve with them. they are really not tt hard to love((: they are special and unique, the way God created. amen for that!

tmr is going to be a new start for youth minstry. i dont know abt you, but im excited abt this change and im looking forward to what God had in store for this minstry, and of course SFC. floorball tmr at 9.30am and the hall is not confirm booked and leonard says we should go by faith, haha. and tt reminds me tt sometimes, we just have to do things and go by faith. trust and obey :D

2006 has been a year of knowing more of myself and learning to love myself for who God created me to be. and realising more of my weaknesses and flaws and learning to accept them and to be humble and surrendering more of me to God. it has been a struggle, to love God and His ppl when sometimes i find it hard to even love myself. 2006, a year of struggles and really learning things the hard way. but a special year of having alot of God's attention, forgiveness and love.

*im Yours.
Oh Lord
When I think of all You've done
My heart sings of Your love
That saved my soul
And made me whole
My life is Yours

Cause You paid the price
I give You my life, I'm Yours

So no matter what the cost
I will go for You
No matter what it takes, I'm Yours
Because You paid the price at Calvary
I give You my whole life, I'm Yours

Oh Lord
My everything to You I lift
My heart and soul I live
For You alone
I'm not my own
My life is Yours

I'm Yours
Jesus I am Yours

worship Jesus, cause He is the love, unfailing love.

wonders of His love.

Thursday, January 04, 2007

8:25 AM

okay. hey im back to singapore! ah.(: i had a good time there with mummy. and i thank God tt He has been so good and so true thru the trip. before i went there, i thought i will be so bored! in fact at times but almost all the time, we shop, play, eat, walk, laugh and ha, scream and so much more. ha, 4days of stuff, too much to blog abt. =P

and knowing me, i love taking bus rides and the long hours of travelling really gives me time to relax and think. to sort out my thoughts and to worship God with my mp3. 2007, another new year. On the coach, i was just thinking back on the past year, 2006. and how i have been doing, be it good/bad. there have been alot of changes. and i have learned to come to give thanks because the Lord is good. for the 6-7hours on the coach back to Singapore, i really think alot, pray, and reflecting. cant really blog alot here, ha, CG watchnight on the 6th! ((: and yes, im quite looking forward to it and im really glad tt sam decided on watchnight again! :D

2006. alot of laughters. alot of brokeness. alot of sorrow. alot of trials. alot of mistakes. alot of tears. alot of pain. alot of learning the hard way. alot of emotional feelings. alot of low self-esteem. alot of low self-worth. alot of self-rejection. alot of scars and story to tell.but thru all these, what i know and see most clearly is alot of God unconditional love and His attention on me.


*complete
Here I am, Oh God
I bring this sacrifice--my open heart.
I offer up my life.
I look to You, Lord
Your love that never ends
Restores me again

So I lift my eyes to you Lord
In your strength will I break through Lord
Touch me now, let your love fall down on me
I know your love dispels all my fears
Through the storm I will hold on Lord
And by faith I will walk on Lord
Then I'll see beyond my calvary one day
And I will be complete in You

*placing all pride aside and with His love decide...to forgive. choose to forgive.

wonders of His love.

thru tears&joy, i'll walk with You;
JESUS, you are my Lord and my life;
JESUS
no one who met Him ever stay the same.



yongling*
groovy;eighteen
28may89
STARS ROCK my world.
LOVE red & black
LOVE jellybeans
marshmallows
candies
chocolate
honeycrabs!
beach;life-LOVE peace.
life-verse.
hebrews 12:2-3
WEFC
under;contruction*
noMUSIC. no LIFE.


I LOVE GOD
if you dont agree with me then back off here.
and
yongling loves her kor & her ministry.

IDentified*


*beryl
*joanne
*lucille
*sarah
*vera
*yongling

did You rise the sun for me? or paint a million stars that i may know Your majesty?


Lord, everything that ive been struggling, crying over, those hurts and pains, i leave it at the cross. Use them for Your glory sake. Renew me, and Lord, pls grant me Your joy. Thankyou for the times when You showed me the hard way that joy can only be found in You alone. i want to cling on and i pray for Your hand to hold me.

who am i? compared to Your glory?

Lord, im Your beloved.

im at workplace again. and im really sick of it...
results outta soon, whatever.

if i could, i will post my last entry again. cause it really speaks alot... of how i feel and how hard im struggling. really very hard. i cry myself to sleep most of the nights. and yes i hate night time. and now, i think i hate day time too...

i have always been ard, but you never seems to bother.

i was just thinking, life's really diff with Jesus? life's harder i guess. and lonlier. i really need a breakthough and i need to move on. i need to move on...

you made me like this and you struck me till im left with nothing. but i want to pray painfully tt you will grow up and you will see, tt you hurt me so deep. and i hope i could say i hate you but i know God will not allow.



I am looking past the shadows
In my mind into the truth and I'm trying to identify
The voices in my head
God, which one is you
Let me feel one more time
What it feels like to feel alive
And break these calluses off of me
One more time

...


yongling want to end all.

okay, back to blogging. and in a way, thinking and wondering out loud.


past weeks have been busy and really tiring. with work, plannings, meetings and alot of stuff to do. and in the midst of all these, im so tired, so hurt by things happening ard and i still feel so broken. yes, broken. with the things i found out, realised, the lies, the promises and expectations not met. and everything boils down to hurts, pains , disappointments and discouragement once again.

guess im really learning to grow up and i really understand what pastor kenny says when he says tt the higher you go in leadership, the lonlier you gets. even with ppl ard, im and i feel lonely. im really downcast and seriously sad these weeks.

in the midst of re-building myself, i get hurt more and more. my relationships with ppl, working with others of diff personalities, coping with home, working at office, walk with God, so so so many other things. and esp my walk with God and relationships with ppl, i think its the worse and i really feel like such a failure lah. even if its others who hurt me, i still try to be good and all, but all i felt is tt i keep trying and trying and trying and trying and trying but no one appreciates and see tt im trying. altho God sees... i really feels like i fail really badly, you know? connecting with ppl and all. im really dead discouraged already. and you know, i really dont want to try anymore. cause i dont dare. most of the times i just feel like a human dart board, ppl just aims at me. and i really realised and found out about the things ppl talks abt me, and how words spread and how impression of me changes in others view?not one, but three or four you know? no, im not going to be defensive anymore, i shall just let God play His part. im REALLY DAMMMMMM sick and tired of all these nonsense, im ready to let go of all my friends and even kor if it comes to a point tt i have to. want all, TAKE IT.





*every scar has a story to tell.
yongling just wants to be loved.

WHERE HAVE ALL THE JOYS AND LOVE WENT TO?

hurts tt YOU can never comprehend and HURTs that you think are nonsense and not necessary.

wah, i blog whole lot and its gone. bummer. anyway, as my memories can take me, read on.

alrights, blog. blog. blog. blogging:

thanks God for today! :

*for His mercy(:
*for being on time for work
*for the working people in the offfice.
*for the opprt to share abt my church&ministy and for the chance to invite tony to church! [pray k? (: ]
*for laughters with my working people during lunch time.
*for kor and his decision abt mummy & all.
*for shern! :D, kor, sam , weisheng. dinner time is so special and precious to me can, when what you do everyday is work and feel so out of touch with them. and the rest in school. appreciate them for dinner (: thankyou kor.
*for movie partner! ah quan. always so encouraging and for his constant smses tt keeps me going too during hard work (:
*for garry! cause he is really nice! he's helping me gather info from poly courses! cause i got no time to go down for open houses, i got work. he nice right?! (:
*for my brother! he's back from army today! and he is so patient waiting to use this laptop lah.
*for sarah, twin. the long lastin g friendship with Christ in the center(:
*for His never ending love.

okay, i need to rest liao. yes a long one, not long post but duration. re-blog and talking to my cg online. its like a online meeting, they keep bombarding me with online msn, haha, quite coo. okay shall pray for them online:

DEAR FATHER IN HEAVEN:

JESS: i pray tt she can finish her work on time Lord. i pray and ask father tt you alone will give her strength theu tonight to finish up her work which is due tmr. i also want to pray tt you will cont to keep her safe in your arms, love her Lord.

GARRY: God, i give thanks for him! and Lord i pray tt as he tries to draw his engineering stuff, i pray tt you will grant him joy and your peace. assure him tt you are with him and tt you love him God (: father i want to pray for him tt you he will find rest in You. help him thru tonight and the rest of the days ahead o God. (:

FARAND: Father, you see the desires in his heart to be reminded tt there are things which are more impt than homework. and Lord i pray tt in the midst of his tight schedule, busyness, pressure and stress that You will cont to carry him. i pray tt You will also grant him strength thru everyday of school and doing homework, preparing BS and ministry. i pray and give thanks for this new CG leader of mine and tt You alone shall be the reason he do things each day.

IN THE THE NAME OF JESUS I COMMIT THEM AND MYSELF, AMEN.

okay, the rest? on my journal (: cause they are the ones who told me abt their requests. i still love you all ah. alrights, my neck's aching, nights(:

okay, this is going to be short (:

had a wonderful dinner with my life most wonderful people! (: kor, weisheng, sam and shern! enjoyed myself altho ps.shern cause me to change my original plan of going jogging with weisheng. im so glad i went out with shern and the rest :D and glad tt weisheng came too, ahaha, sory* we go jog soon k, pls and promise! (:

working today is boring. cause i got NOTHING to do (: but thank God i laughed abit and talked to the rest alittle. going to learn some tele-marketing! so exciting. more difficulties coming my way but i know it will be really fine. cause God knows i will be(:

alrights, time to sleep now. altho im still SO SO full! aw. and kor makes good nice garlic veg and my fav mushrooms :D thanks!


you cares.

yongling

went jogging/running just now at wdlands stadium with the lights off lah. had a good time. (:

work today was fine. i left a little later then usual and i really have to say sorry to daryl cause he waited for long haha. sorry* had dinner at home yeps. and then went stadium. and i met sam and daniel for lunch today! i was really happy, really. (: thanks!

i got nothing much to blog abt actually so i want to do my usual posts again like these:

DARYL: hey whatsup with those dreams? haha! :D okay, i better keep my mouth shut right. hey, thanks for today anyways (: for all the waiting and laughing and sharing and running and thinking and haha, and all lah. i appreciate loneliness too, i mean in a positive way ya. run on, with God's strength and His company and of course cont to trust for tt revivial. (:

WEISHENG: haha, surprise! anyways, glad tt you went for those overnight prayers and im sure God is really happy. keep on shining for Christ! work hard too, and meet up anyways. haha, cant imagine when you are gg army tho. heh. and remb what you owe me =P (:

GARRY: hey im glad tt we are in the same Cg now. keep growing in the Lord and lets keep this Cg going! (: study hard!

HANNAH: you too, is my bucket of joy&love. *hug.

BERYL: if i could, i would change position with you and be the one going thru all tt. but girl, i know i know its hard and its really hard. stand firm alrights? God has His plan and lets trust and obey k? He has our best at heart. love you dearly.

XIMIN: min ah!!! thanks for tt ten. it kinda save me haha . lols. enjoy school too k? we all have monday blues, but you know God is still the same God on monday. (: jiayou. movies ya?

KUNQUAN: talking abt movies, my movie partner! :D thanks for accompanying me all these while. thru msges and all, really appreciate you :D thanks movie partner! cant express how grateful im lah, having such wonderful MP ard! (:

KOR: study hard ah. well, God is love (:

okay, and more and more and more...

to be continued, i got work tmr and im so dying now. sleepy yongling shall go to bed. (:

because you are a God tt doesnt need to sleep and a God tt watch over me every single moment, even now. i can sleep and wake up in peace and knowing tt im under your everlasting love.


yongling says goodnights.

"christian life are meant to be lonely."

this sentence struck me all the time. well,talking abt loneliness, its true tt christian life are meant to be lonely. the things we go thru and struggle, others can never undertstand and its something we have to walk through it ourselves, no one can walk for us. (: through diff things, i see tt God is working and of course alot of times we dont see and we just complain, its been a learning journey. and indeed, i can say tt its a lonely one.

had dinner with identified today without jo. nothing much to comment abt, just want to let beryl know i'll be praying for her. and for the rest, i hope sch's been okay. i really hope tt meeting up isnt a burden for you all. like really hope so.

im thankful tt im so different from the others and im really glad im. the things i think, say, do, simply everything. altho i got rejected most of the times, i know God has a plan. and times when others make me feel so small and with all the "what? are you sure? no?! yongling?!?! " kinda of looks and reactions, i know God feel for me and He alone shall be my defender. (:

im in this process of refining and learning which everyone will agree tt its not easy. alot of complains still, to God. and somehow i know tt He's listening and perhaps smiling down from heaven saying, "precious child, i have your best at heart. (: " and somehow the image of the father running towards the prodigal son when he finally returns always flash through my mind. i cant deny tt God is good, and i need to instill it in my heart too. He will not bring us to where His grace cannot sustain us. so lets hold on to that of His sufficient grace and endless love and run for the audience of One. and imptly, pray.

yongling needs to be back. and she's learning to love and be loved, to forgive and to be forgived. as much as i hurt others, i get hurt alot too. i need a touch from heaven (:

I stand here before You
In wide opened wonder
Amazed at the glory of You
The power of heaven
Revealing Your purpose in me
As I'm reaching for You

your love has got a hold on me.*

many times, christian walk are not full of ups. and alot of downs times, its hard to praise and thank God. but remb tt worship is not due to cicumstances. *hugs to all. He have been faithful and He has been a friend this lonely season (:

working tmr. pray tt i will be willing and joyful (: cause i want to and God calls me to. meeting sarah for dinner and sam for lunch tmr. and i need to wake up early tmr. bye! encouraged and thankful because the God of the universe cares abt your life. (:

prayer meeting was good (: and i had supper with uncle chan wah, ray and sarah. :D

thru the prayer meeting, when we were praying for family revivial, i just cant stop thanking God and crying out to Him. i had a wonderful family. im so blessed since young. esp when ps kenny was talking abt loving leadership of the husbands, i look back and i think. i praise God on behalf of my mummy, cause my dad has been one of the man that really takes good care of the family and really loves mum for who she is. dad never throws temper at us when he had hard times at work. he has always been so understanding, towards us and of course mummy. and i thank God for a father that loves and keeps loving and cares and keeps caring even it hurts. and i must say tt daddy has been a great role model tt im sure my brothers and i can look up to. and my parents marriage is one tt i can look up to too. my father is a businessman and he has alot of friends, which i called them uncles, tt had extra-affair outside of their marriages. and my dad dont smoke. my brothers and i surely can look up to him. how he treats the family, how he treats mummy. he is a good father. and in my heart, he will always be. im sure if my brothers is reading these, they will agree in unison.

and maybe cause he is such a good father, husband, brother(to his siblings, really!), man and friend, it hurts so much to see him leave...not as a child of God. i question God and i keep asking. but you know what. all i can say is tt, trust and obey for there's no other way. His ways are higher tt we can never understand. so much have been happening in my family the past years tt i keep struggling. and even as im blogging now, my 2nd brother is quarreling with mummy outside my room. *faints. oh pls pray for my mum now k? she got problem walking and even trying to stand up. we dont know whats wrong. probably gg doc with her tmr.

going for dawn prayer later. alrights. should stop blogging right?

oh and i want to thank God for my cg. they have always been ard and i know God placed them for a great purpose. and i want to praise God for aggie. cant really tell y i thank God for her for, but deep inside, somehow i know i need to praise God for her. and indeed, my suffering is another person's ministry. love (:


*the fray- how to save a life

Step one you say we need to talk
He walks you say sit down it’s just a talk
He smiles politely back at you
You stare politely right on through
Some sort of window to your right
As he goes left and you stay right
Between the lines of fear and blame
And you begin to wonder why you came

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

Let him know that you know best
Cause after all you do know best
Try to slip past his defense
Without granting innocence
Lay down a list of what is wrong
The things you’ve told him all along
And pray to God he hears you

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

As he begins to raise his voice
You lower yours and grant him one last choice
Drive until you lose the road
Or break with the ones you’ve followed
He will do one of two things
He will admit to everything
Or he’ll say he’s just not the same
And you’ll begin to wonder why you came

*God, help me to still trust and hold on even when i dont understand and help me to walk on at times when i cant run and soar on high. Lord, be my Father. help to love You wholeheartedly.

because You deserves it all, and i like what joshua's shirt today says: His pain, my gain. He alone is worthy.

and i shall be loved.

okay, this is going to be a short one cause im so sleepy. (:

1stly, thanks all who have been praying for me and pls keep on praying cause i know those prayers will sustain me a long way. work have been okay, today wasnt tt smooth. with all the rain, not saving, re-doing, rushing and ya da ya da. but thanks God i made it thru lah. and thanks to my dear movie partner and daryl for accompanying me thru work today. nah, not physically, but thru msges and mentally (:

2ndly, mummy is so nice can! she cooked dinner for me today and every morning she makes sure i ate breakfast before i leave for work. and today it rained! i was stuck at workplace for at least one hour plus. and finally i reach sunplaza and she was there! cause somehow the rain got heavier and she brought umbrellas for me. (: love. when i start to realise more abt the things ard me, i know im loved. by diff pple.

3rdly, tmr's friday! (: im happy cause sat NO WORK. say yeah! and and there's prayer meeting at night in church :D and and sat have CG outing at shaun's house. BBQqqqqqqqqq! and yes i finally can go nat's house. yippppeeee. anyways, im looking forward to the outing with my new combined CG. double power! :D

fourthly, aw, im starting to miss you all.all your presence! and miss hanging out with you all. lucille, sarah, my super breadman(sam.c, he makes me laugh! :D), cg,sam, kor, beryl, ps shern!, and more more more. okay, i must be happy and i want to be happy.

and lastly, i want to be tt cheerful yongling again! and you shall see.

just came back from work not long ago. met mummy for dinner again, shop at sunplaza for awhile too.

was just wondering about relationships with ppl, not BGR kinda. indeed, people in my life, come and go. people always say treaure and cherish friends and ya da ya da. but i've come to realised tt no matter how hard i treasure and cherish, they still leave. what's the point? okay, stop getting emo here yongling. lalala~ but on a more serious note, im sure tt realisation is true. no examples to state here, but if you know me, you know who(s) i meant. and im sure, good things dont last. they never did.

okay, dont really know what to blog and to talk abt. i simply hate insecurities lah. go away NOW.

...

give me a life man, i miss those times.

okay yongling, time to move on. its a new year. somethings can never be the same after you made your choice. including me i guess.

was looking for another song lyrics when i chanced upon this one:
*blind- lifehouse
I was young but I wasn't naive
I watched helpless
As you turn around to leave
And still I have the pain I have to carry
A past so deep
That even you could not bury if you tried

After all this time
I never thought we'd be here
Never thought we'd be here
When my love for you was blind
But I couldn't make you see it
Couldn't make you see it

That I loved you more
Then you will ever know
And part of me died
When I let you go

I would fall asleep
Only in hopes of dreaming
That everything
Would be like it was before
But nights like this
It seems are slowly fleeting
They disappear as reality is crashing to the floor

After all this time
I never thought we'd be here
Never thought we'd be here
When my love for you was blind
But I couldn't make you see it
Couldn't make you see it

That I loved you more
Then you will ever know
And part of me died
When I let you go

After all this why
Would you ever want to leave
Maybe you could not believe it
That my love for you was blind
But I couldn't make you see it
Couldn't make you see it

nah and this is not the one i want im looking for too, but wells read on:

*everything changes

If you just walked away
What could I really say?
would it matter anyway?
would it change how you feel.

I am the mess you chose
the closet you can not close
The devil in you I suppose
'cause the wounds never heal

But everything changes
if I could turn back the years
If you could learn to forgive me
then I could learn to feel.

Sometimes the things I say
In moments of disarray
Succumbing to the games we play
To make sure that it's real

But everything changes
if I could turn back the years
If you could learn to forgive me
then I could learn to feel

When it's just me and you
Who knows what we could do
If we can just make it through
through this part of the day

But everything changes
if I could turn back the years
If you could learn to forgive me
then I could learn how to feel

Then we could
Stay here together
And we could
Conquer the world

If we could
Say that forever
It's more than just a word
If you just walked away

What could I really say?
It wouldn't matter anyway
It wouldn't change how you feel.

1st day of work today was okay. 1st, i had to figure out where's tt place and thanks to sam for helping too. ha, reach there alittle early and things was pretty okay, the ppl there are quite nice and friendly. i dont know alot of them cause im in a room with the asst manager so like hardly can talk to the others. im helping out with some accounts stuff, man, its ALOT of figures lah, i almost go blind can. im tired now.

but well, working alone mah, so the feeling is quite weird. and most of the time im alone in the room. guess its easier for satan to attack my mind and thoughts while im alone. i really feel so weird and i think i feel really sad. somehow i had this super abandoned feeling and the feelings just sucks, and it kinda spoil my whole day. )): i think maybe its insecurities, and i hate insecurities, really. i used to feel so secure one can )): need to find security in Jesus again, i really need to. if nt i think i will go crazy and depress lah.

): i miss watching movies!and esp with my movie partner! i wan to watch movies! and i want to go out with the ppl* i really want to! ):



insecurities go away NOW. you are never welcome here or even anywhere!

hey people. check out the SFC's blog k?


http://shineforChrist-.blogspot.com
keep it alive and going, just like we are going to keep SFc alive and going.

(: (:

hey people. check out the SFC's blog k?


http://shineforChrist-.blogspot.com
keep it alive and going, just like we are going to keep SFc alive and going.

(: (:

hey people. check out the SFC's blog k?


http://shineforChrist.blogspot.com
keep it alive and going, just like we are going to keep SFc alive and going.

(: (:

ah, so irritating! i need a paper cutter! NOW ))))):


oh okay anyways, had watchnight ytd at lucille's house. it was good, i mean altho its not as WOW as all the previous one, but it was okay. all the bonding and laughing haha. and i reach home at 4plus today. (:

ya, read daryl's blog. amazed at how he can always blog SO long. which is good lah. and thanks for being encouraging tho. and you. hahaa. figure it out yourself.

im starting to feel alittle weird without school while most of you all are schooling. well, its a weird feeling. i mean im starting to miss sch ppl and i heard tt my ex-form teacher leaving for New Zealand. im quite sad, but i really pray tt things will turn out good for her and her family. without school, leave me with plently of free time and it always make me feel guilty not spending it wisely. thank God im going to work soon. i'll be praying.

sometimes i wonder what it really means and what it really takes to lead and serve. and talking abt being real, how would you know whether you are real enough to say tt im being myself, being real. ah, im getting confused by what im trying to put across also, aw, as always. wells. maybe to me, serving requires right motive and a willing and humble heart. maybe it applies to leading too. being humble is important ya. and i think tt the very important thing for me is tt, a leader should be able to care for their "sheeps". im thankful tt WEFC is a church tt i can grow in and the youth ministry are really great and our leaders are committed. as i look up at the older leaders in youth ministry for guidance, i can imagine tt the younger ones will one day also lookup to me too. i want to be a leader that when others look to me for guidance others will see Jesus in me. i want to serve God with of course the most important thing to me, willingness. to me, without willingness, i think we would have a good attitude towards doing God's work and serving His people.

bye to 2006. all the negatives and pain and hurts.
And as another new week of 2007 begins, its time to really live for Him. yes, its easier said than done. struggles along the way, and giving up is always an option but the decision lies with you. i pray tt i will see all of you at the finishing line, including myself.



i know you cares, you always do.

random:

*yongling; wonders of Your love. says:
kunquan!!!!

*yongling; wonders of Your love. says:
ha, im just being me. randomly

Wanna hear you say.... says:
ya

Wanna hear you say.... says:
i know

Wanna hear you say.... says:
its my movie partner u are talking about

Wanna hear you say.... says:
haha

*yongling; wonders of Your love. says:
HAHA

yeps, tt's my MOVIE PARTNER! : D :D he knows me okay! movies movies movies. <333>movies without him are sad )): SAD

okay. i need to go bathe soon and prepare to go out. (: CHURCH AND WATCHNIGHT! love.
and i want to wear yellow! its my HAPPY COLOUR. :D because yellow makes me smile.

wonders of Your love.

7:48 AM

okay, i will prob sleep late tonight. need to plan for this year and to reflect on certain things and on 2006. and i writting some cards too.

JPM was great today. prayed with brother eujin and timo. they have been great ppl to hang on with and sometimes even to disagree with. i thank God for them and for the opportunity to serve with them. they are really not tt hard to love((: they are special and unique, the way God created. amen for that!

tmr is going to be a new start for youth minstry. i dont know abt you, but im excited abt this change and im looking forward to what God had in store for this minstry, and of course SFC. floorball tmr at 9.30am and the hall is not confirm booked and leonard says we should go by faith, haha. and tt reminds me tt sometimes, we just have to do things and go by faith. trust and obey :D

2006 has been a year of knowing more of myself and learning to love myself for who God created me to be. and realising more of my weaknesses and flaws and learning to accept them and to be humble and surrendering more of me to God. it has been a struggle, to love God and His ppl when sometimes i find it hard to even love myself. 2006, a year of struggles and really learning things the hard way. but a special year of having alot of God's attention, forgiveness and love.

*im Yours.
Oh Lord
When I think of all You've done
My heart sings of Your love
That saved my soul
And made me whole
My life is Yours

Cause You paid the price
I give You my life, I'm Yours

So no matter what the cost
I will go for You
No matter what it takes, I'm Yours
Because You paid the price at Calvary
I give You my whole life, I'm Yours

Oh Lord
My everything to You I lift
My heart and soul I live
For You alone
I'm not my own
My life is Yours

I'm Yours
Jesus I am Yours

worship Jesus, cause He is the love, unfailing love.

wonders of His love.

Thursday, January 04, 2007

8:25 AM

okay. hey im back to singapore! ah.(: i had a good time there with mummy. and i thank God tt He has been so good and so true thru the trip. before i went there, i thought i will be so bored! in fact at times but almost all the time, we shop, play, eat, walk, laugh and ha, scream and so much more. ha, 4days of stuff, too much to blog abt. =P

and knowing me, i love taking bus rides and the long hours of travelling really gives me time to relax and think. to sort out my thoughts and to worship God with my mp3. 2007, another new year. On the coach, i was just thinking back on the past year, 2006. and how i have been doing, be it good/bad. there have been alot of changes. and i have learned to come to give thanks because the Lord is good. for the 6-7hours on the coach back to Singapore, i really think alot, pray, and reflecting. cant really blog alot here, ha, CG watchnight on the 6th! ((: and yes, im quite looking forward to it and im really glad tt sam decided on watchnight again! :D

2006. alot of laughters. alot of brokeness. alot of sorrow. alot of trials. alot of mistakes. alot of tears. alot of pain. alot of learning the hard way. alot of emotional feelings. alot of low self-esteem. alot of low self-worth. alot of self-rejection. alot of scars and story to tell.but thru all these, what i know and see most clearly is alot of God unconditional love and His attention on me.


*complete
Here I am, Oh God
I bring this sacrifice--my open heart.
I offer up my life.
I look to You, Lord
Your love that never ends
Restores me again

So I lift my eyes to you Lord
In your strength will I break through Lord
Touch me now, let your love fall down on me
I know your love dispels all my fears
Through the storm I will hold on Lord
And by faith I will walk on Lord
Then I'll see beyond my calvary one day
And I will be complete in You

*placing all pride aside and with His love decide...to forgive. choose to forgive.

wonders of His love.